During my senior year of high school, I took semesterized English classes instead of regular full-year English. One of the half-year classes that I took was titled “Explorations in Writing.” The class was basically a creative writing class, but was structured much more like a college class than a high school class. As a result, we were allowed much more freedom of speech than usual and our projects ranged from writing short stories to penning and performing plays.

One of the plays I co-wrote had me “starring” as a rapping devil… mighty appropriate, some might say. At least I wasn’t a friggin’ rapping owl. Interestingly, all of the people featured in the play (except for one) are in this “reunion” picture.

I found a copy of the play on my trusty old Apple II compatible. After talking about it with everybody involved in the original play, I decided I had to transfer it over and post it to the web for the world to gawk at and insult.

Enjoy our nameless creation… and notice the total lack of a “Scene 3.”

Characters:
Brian M. as himself.
Jason M. as the Hell Friend
Amy K. as Brian’s girlfriend
Becky H. as the Angel
Ryan M. as Satan and the priest
Amy R. as the counselor, devil’s helper, and a hundred other parts

SCENE 1 — In counselor’s office

(Amy & counselor talking, at the end of the conversation; Amy shows razor blade)

Amy: … and besides the fact he’s depressed because his mother died I found drugs and… (pause) … this in his room.

(Counselor looks intellectual and thoughtful)

Counselor: Why don’t you bring him with you to our next session — it will be beneficial to his well-being and yours.

Amy: (sarcastically sad) Oh!… okay.

(Lights go out, strobe light goes on Brian — he is cowering and shuddering in corner of the room, then he whips out a razor blade and slices his wrists.)

SCENE 2 — At Brian’s funeral

(Brian’s grave is next to his mother’s. People are crying, priest is addressing all.)

(crying & whimpering from crowd)

Priest: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to unite these two… sorry wrong page.

(action moves to Brian in Hell, in disbelief)

Brian: What’s going on? Where the Hell am I? I can’t be dead.

(Devil appears — same person as priest)

Who are you? What’s going on?

Devil: Give it up — you’re in Hell now, kid,
You wonder how it happened it’s because of what you did.
You can call me S-A-T-A-N,
I ain’t got no friends, but I gots a Benz,
‘Cause Hell is filled with the earthly pleasures,
I find it ironic how some take drastic measures,
To avoid coming here, but yet they give in,
To sex drugs and money while they’re living.

Jason: (strolls in, nods to devil) ‘Sup!

Brian: Jay? Jay? Is that you? You’re… dead.

Jason: Yeah, it’s me. And yeah, I’m dead. Wanna make something off it?

Brian: No… I’m just lost. I don’t know what’s going on, and Mr. Satan here just told me that I’m dead.

Jason: No, man, you ain’t dead! (like Church Lady) You will be, though, if you give into the temptations of SATAN!

Angel: Hello. I’m a Heavenly body.

(sexy music)

Jason: Hey, baby! (looks her up and down) Oops — that’s the kind of stuff that got me here.

Brian: Why are you here?

Angel: I’m here to save your sexy sweet soul, sweetheart.

Brian: Whoa baby! If I didn’t have a girl already, I’d let you do more than that!

Angel: Calm down, stud, I’m an angel and I got man.

Brian: Oh yeah? Who?

Angel: St. Peter! And that’s of no concern to you, Tough Guy! The reason I’m here is to teach you a lesson!

Brian: Oh… really? In that case…

Angel: Don’t sass me. I’m here to help you. So listen up!

Brian: OK, why don’t you come a little closer and talk into my ear.

Angel: That’s it! One more smart remark like that I’ll let you fry.

Brian: (embarrassed) OK.

Angel: Now that we have that straight, you have to make a decision: Heaven or Hell?

Brian: I don’t want to go to Heaven or Hell, I want to go to earth! I’m not good enough for Heaven, but I’m not bad enough for Hell!

Angel: The pleasures of heaven could be at your fingertips.

Devil: Yes but listen to the King of the Underworld,
I’m hot as Hell and I gots all the girls,

(Amy & Amy strut out to devil)

If you join me here enjoy the pleasures of the flesh,
Hot women, hot oils, and LOTS of sex!

(Amy & Amy disappear)

Angel: Don’t listen to that rapping fool, just look what you’re missing out on!

(Amy R. comes out as Brian’s mom)

Brian: Mom? What’s going on here?

Mom: You’re not ready for Heaven. You have not experienced enough. Your eyes haven’t seen the world. I want you to live a good life and then come to Heaven.

(Mom disappears)

Devil: Come on, kid, why would you go back,
When you got hot women all up on your bozack?

(Amy & Amy all over devil)

The best looking women are here, no holds barred
‘Cause Hell is the place that **self-censored**.

(Devil smiles wickedly)

(Amy & Amy exit)

Devil: So, what’s it gonna be, kid?

Angel: What’s your decision?

Brian: I don’t know! It’s too much to decide! I’m not ready for this tough of a decision!

Angel: That’s all I needed to hear, Brian. You’re not set for death yet. I’m going to return you to earth…

Devil: I’ll be damned if I let you take him from me,
He’s staying here in Hell ’cause he’s a stupid ass dummy.

(points to Angel)

Peace, honey, you’re out, catch ya late,
I’m keeping him in Hell and ain’t nothing you can do, babe.

Angel: Oh, is that so.

(smiles, turns around slowly, and bends over)

(Devil’s jaw drops)

Angel: Come on, Brian, hurry — I’m sending you back to earth!

(Angel and Brian run off set)

Devil: Aw! Aw… da-a-a-mn!

(Devil exits)

SCENE 4 — Brian’s room

(Brian slowly wakes up on his bed)

Brian: I’m… I’m alive!

(Amy enters as Brian’s mom)

Step-Mom: (in Betty/Jim voice) Well, hello son. Nice to have you back on earth with us, son, it’s been sixteen hours since you fell asleep.

Brian: It was all a dream? But… but that’s a corny ending…

(Angel does her little fluttering-fly by and waves at Brian — she exits set)

Brian: (smiles) Much better.